FAMU2005's Xanga

Fed Up!

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 04:53:47 GMT

I was just sitting here having a conversation with someone on yahoo messenger and he started asking me sum questions about chilling and if he tried to take things a lil further but he never specified if he meant now or in the future after gettin to know one another better, immediately that was a turn off in his book and he got mad at me for tellin him that i needed to get to know him first. Well, I needed that to be clear just in case. So we got into this minute argument that was just so stupid because he doesnt realize that just cuz he is cute, he aint shit! I refuse to let him talk to me any kind of way, and that must be what he is used to, but I dont have time for that dumb shit. I mean he really got my blood boiling right now, and instantly I feel back into a stupor as I listened to Teach Me and thought about someone very special in my life. Right now Im kinda crying thinking about how much easier my life would be if my special someone was really mine. I want him to realize that he was the one that taught me what the meaning of true love is. He was the one that taught me how to appreciate it and cherish it. I want him to continue to be that love, but i want us to share it. I dunno y Im so emotional right now, it might have alot to do with the fact that i've been single for a lil' over a year and no one seems to reach out to me and touch me the way he did in the beginning. He just was a random guy that caught my interest, he turned out to be someone very special. I wish that if it is just impossible to get him back that I could find a ginuine guy, cuz Im sick of being alone and dealing with the stupidity of RANDOM NIGGAS! I'm not a picky person and my standards are not very high, so y is it so hard for me? I wish I knew the answer.....but I dont. Well, I have to go to work in a lil less than six hours, so lemme try to get some sleep. G'nite.

Hate that I love you.....

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 03:11:08 GMT

I asked him what were the odds of me and him gettin back together back in the day, was it his intention or not and he says "I dont know Rie Rie". HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW!?!?!?!? then he says that his head is on cloud 99 right now and that anything is possible. Who knows what the hell that means, I sure dont. I guess i'll NEVER get my answer.......*sighs*

You Are My Rock

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 04:53:36 GMT

Man! I just laid the conversation killing bomb! Read the convo:

Cheie: My cuz asked bout u today too. lol Cuz I just really left ova there and she asked how u were and if we were still talkin, and i said he's good, and no we dont talk anymore
"HIM": Wow im gone need 4 u 2 see ya ppl more that was a while ago
Cherie: REALLY?!?! lol
Cherie: She doesn't stay at her moms house anymore, so I rarely see her, plus my mom and my aunt been beefin since about the time u met them. everybody JUST got kool again. lol
"HIM": Lol family hood beef
Cherie: lol..hush!
"HIM": Lmao
"HIM": Ahhh the good days
Cherie: what good ole days? lol
"HIM": The ride out 2 the woods with u and ya fam lol
Cherie: lol...yea. those were the good days..... I miss those days

THAT is where the conversation ended. Did I say something too drastic? DANG! Its like I dropped a bomb or something. It has been an hour and a half since I said that and he STILL hasnt said anything else to me. Im like dang, my bad for just voicing my thoughts. That kinds hurts though honestly...... BUT! It did feel good to see/hear him say that he riding out 2 the woods with me and my fam were the good days...

Wrong Timing.......

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 19:37:05 GMT

So when I finally get up the nerve to ask at least one of the questions that has been burning a whole through my mind, He is "Working on moves" at the skating rink! I know when he skates he gets in the zone and doesn't allow anything to bother him, no problem, but damn I dunno when Imma get the nerve to do it again. I want to ask him when I know that he is available for talking and not busy at work. Too bad I dont know his off days and may or may not be available to chat with him during that time anyways. lol Many why does this have to be so darn hard?...

Lack of Experience.....

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 03:58:40 GMT

Well, I was just sitting in my room, watching T.V. and talking on the phone, when I realized one reason why I didn't kiss u when we were together..........I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO FRENCH KISS!!!!! I realized that although I had kissed sumone before, I had never actually learned to "french". I was afraid that you would want to kiss me like that and I wouldn't know how to and you wouldn't want to be with me anymore. I was sooooo inexperienced back then. That is one reason why I was so shy around you. I would have felt way more awkward than I already did, and I just didnt want you to think I was stupid or something. I cared so much about what/how you thought about me that I tried to make sure everything I did was "perfect" just to keep you around, but in reality may have been a factor that drove you away. See one thing is, I never faked who I am just to get you or to try to keep you, that part about me has always been and still is real. I just want to be the one person you can count on to make you happy. I've always wanted to be the one to scoop you off your feet and have you caught up in a whirlwind of my love. I want you to feel what I feel for you. You've blogged and written about the kind of girl you say you want and looking back on myself, I see that in me. I dont try to be that girl, I AM that WOMAN. I just wish you could see it.

Teddy Bear

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 20:16:58 GMT

OK! Last night I found out something that I've wondered about only a few days, but either way, it matters. I asked him if I gave him a teddy bear that says "Someone from Bethune-Cookman College loves you" and he said "Yes, its on my tv". I coulda screamed!!!!!!! I was so excited to know that he still had the teddy bear after all this time and for it to be in a place where he has to see it everyday makes it so much better. I thought that he had forgotten who gave it to him or at least shut it away in his closet somewhere so he wouldnt have to look at it, but no. Even if he never really thinks of me or the situation like that, I look at it like had he put it in the closet or some other place out of sight, it would have been one of those "Out of sight out of mind" scenarios and that would have sucked. I dunno, that just made my day....well, my days cuz for the next few days I'm going to be smiling thinking of that and being hopeful.....

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 02:31:41 GMT

Dang, my body is feeling rather tired. I dunno how I am gonna be able to stay up to study for this darn German II exam I have tomorrow....By the grace of God!
Anyways, I was sitting in my car on my break at work today and looking out at the clouds in the sky, and the birds swarming through the air and thought about the blessings that God has given me. He has allowed me to find love, although I do not "have" him right now, he allowed me to experience the feeling at a young at and is teaching me to cherish it, when I do find it again, whether it be with him or another person. I was again listing to "HALO" by Beyonce, and I was just thinking how beautiful and graceful they were out there, just so free. No stress or worries like we have down here. lol Sometimes I wish that I could be like that. Free from the stress, worries, and heartache. To me, that song is soooo magical. It moves through me and I apply it to the love that God has for me, he loves me enough to place him on Earth to help strengthen me and bring me through the bad times during this "prison sentence" I am serving. I love God for loving me! Sometimes when I look at his pictures, I feel that I really see a "halo" around his head. lol Nobody's perfect, but he is my angel and I love him.........I'm IN LOVE with him.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 04:39:57 GMT

Just another thought came into my mind.....

Well, I remember Easter weekend 2006. That was the weekend that my roommates and I went to Orlando to celebrate birthdays and to worship with TiTi's family. Well, one of the nights at TiTi's house, I was laying on the couch and conversing with him. Good convo as always .....but this time was a little different because he was chillin wit some friends, and a few of them were females. One thing I do not remember is whether he just put them on the phone or they asked to speak to me, but I do remember at least one of the girls getting on the phone and she was such a nice person. She told me that she and him had been close for years and that she couldnt wait to meet me and everything, and the feeling was mutual. I wanted to get the opportunity to meet his friends and family, there was no rush, but sooner or later, I did. It seems like he has some really trustworthy and loyal friends in his life and I thought that was good. Also, I remember how he would call me on his "lunch" break at work. He would be sitting out in the car (probably up to no good...lol) and a co-worker would hop in too and I distinctly remember hearing the guy say "Who is that? Rie Rie?" and "he" replied "yea, u kno it" (maybe not in those EXACT words, but VERY close.) I felt special to know or at least THINK that when people saw him on the phone, that more than likely it was me. That made me feel like he let it be known that I was his girl and wasn't ashamed of it. I just dont come across things like that anymore. Nobody ever makes me feel like Im special like he did and still does in his own special way to this day. I really miss that.........

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 03:13:16 GMT

First things first.....I still feel rather sick and Im not sure of the actual cause yet, but I AM sick of everyone asking if Im pregnant!!!!!! Its like Im not allowed to get sick without me being pregnant, dang! I think people just want to see me get pregnant and my life and dreams fall down the tubes......NOT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN! I'M TAKING CONTROL OF MINE!

Now that that's done.....

I found the old emails (MANY old emails) That I sent to him once upon a time when I didnt know what to do from the sting I was feeling in my heart. I notice that many times I said that I would be content with just being his friend and attempting to move on because I was hurting to bad. Well....I THOT that was what I needed to do at the time, and ultimately I wonder if that could have been the reason why we never tried again?????.....I love him with every bit of me and more. I would NEVER push him away if I didnt feel as if he wanted to leave and at that time, I felt as though he just didnt want to be with me. I have always given him the benefit of the doubt in everything he has told me and never once gave me reason to believe he has ever lied to me. I came across a couple old pictures that I took of him at my aunts house and I kinda shed a few tears. No one has ever gotten along and enteracted with my family the way he did. He was the first and only one to meet my extended family, and to this day they still ask about him. Today when I told my "friend" that I was sick and feel horrible, he just said "take sumthing" and that was it, no "I hope u feel betters" or nothin'. If it were "him", I know he would care, he would have said something to make me smile and feel better even if it were just emotionally. He always know just what to say and do to make me feel better. Right now it is taking sooooo much from me right now to keep from sending him a message telling him what I feel like right now and how Im aggrevated that this "friend" doesnt seem to care about me. I want to tell him so bad that I need him. I need to get the strength and the nerve to ask him his thoughts on what happened one day, because I have told him my feelings, but never demanded any answers in return and I think that is one of the reasons it hurts so bad. Just like Beyonce says...."I can see your halo"....I can see his halo. He is my angel, that ray of sunlight over a cloudy day. I feel that God created this man for me. I feel as if I am tied to him in a way that I can not understand. Maybe I possess the figurative "rib" that God took from Adam ("him") and gave to Eve (me)?!? They say when you have the body part of another person you tend to take on their some of their persona in some way.....could that be what it is? lol....maybe I'm just tired. lol Well, so much for wishful thinking.

So Relieved!

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:26:05 GMT

I am SO relieved to know that the accident in Gwinnett didn't involve you! I saw a black vehicle and heard Lawrenceville and started to get kinda shaky. Honestly, although you aren't in my life the way I would like for you to be right now, it would still devastate me greatly if ANYTHING were to happen to you. Anything at all. Another thing that I think I should touch on is the fact that you may think I have off and on feelings of wanting to be with you or whatever, but I don't. Not a day goes by that I don't yearn for you, its just somedays are worse than others. Even when I'm "in a relationship" I think of you, and to me, that just means that something is not right. How can you give someone your all when you don't have your all to give? I cant. I cant give 100% to any new potential relationship because 50% of me is given to you. Nobody else has been lucky enough to possess my heart and emotions the way you have all this time. When things end, things end. I don't want it back, I move on. With you..........its not the same. I cant do it even though Ive tried. I don't understand what it is that you are doing to me....please explain.